Legends

Chandra A' Bakin' Cookies

Harmonix Announces Rock Band: Crovax

DOMINARIA- The long awaited announcement of the next Rock Band installation was made Monday morning, the game to be headlined by heavy metal shock-rocker and Evincar of Rath, Crovax. The game follows the smash success of the Chainer edition earlier this year, which featured grunge and techno tracks and impressive stage visuals that included Chainer getting whipped in an arena battle, and violently mutating into a bubbling, bulging, seething mass of flesh after the final song. The Crovax version will have similarly inventive effects including beheadings of well-known Rathi villains with his WarBeast guitar, and many sorts of angel-slaying madness before backdrops like Volrath's Stronghold and Overgrown Estate.

Crovax has covered a number of popular metal songs across his career, including "School's Out," "Blood Ocean," and "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight," all of which will appear as playable tracks in the game.

Belbe, Ertai, and Greven round out the rest of the band's playable characters.

Broodstar Annihilates Some More Random Crap

MIRRODIN- "Bzeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee-owuahowuah-ZIP ZIP ZIP byooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop ZAM ZAM EE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- pew pew pew"

"VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT.

Poa poa poa POA MYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERP ZOCK.

zocka zocka zocka zock zockzockzockzockzock pfffffffffffffffffvvvvvvvrrrrvvrvvrvrvrvrvrvrvrrvrvr kakakakakakaakakkkkkkkkkkkkrrrrrrtttrrttrtrtrtrrtr

PPPPHAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaAaAaANNNGGGG!!!

Boooooooo. Booooooo.. Booooaaaaaaaah. BOOOAAAAAAAAAOOOA OOOH AAAAAAAH OOOOAAAAAH PO! PO! PO! ZAGGGGRAAAGGGGRAAAAGGGGR GGRRAAAGGH RRAAGH UUAAAH UUUUAAAHHH BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN PLOOOGGG GOOOOOORAAAAAAA PEW PEW GORF BAAP BAAAAAP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD SSSSSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Michiko Konda Will Stop At Nothing To Be Abducted

EIGANJO CASTLE- Lord Konda was left once again pondering his daughter's whereabouts monday morning when it was discovered that the immense weight of the guilt placed on her by her father's embarrassingly self-destructive rule had moved her to request another kidnapping at the hands of handsome outlaw Toshiro Umezawa. 

"I don't know why she must always be the kidnapped! Her cell very nice!" Lord Konda angrily weighed in, referring to her imprisonment at his hands. Lord Konda's popularity dropped sharply twenty years ago after he sacrificed the peace, welfare, and happiness of his kingdom for 'total power,' though over what remains to be seen, and news that Michiko is galavanting with the rogue Umezawa has further marred his reputation. Masako refused to comment, requesting not to appear on any humor blogs. Takeno chortled when asked when Michiko might return.

"I just want to be freeeeeeeeeeeee as the wind blows!" Michiko then sang, gliding by on a giant moth. 

Lord Yawgmoth's New Bakery Talk of the Town

BENALIA- The powerful Phyrexian overlord took matters into his own hands Saturday morning after growing tired of his Inner Circle's centuries of failures in killing Urza Planeswalker, and hosted a bake sale to commemorate the new cookie-making establishment called "Rebbec's Tasty Treats." The cookies are embedded with tracking devices that the Lord hopes will map out a pattern to lead him to the planeswalker, using cookie cutters in the likeness of people close to him such as Ratepe, Tawnos, Radiant Archangel (extra crispy), Jhoira, Teferi, and Rayne in an attempt to draw in acquaintences of Urza, although the Rayne cookies' heads kept breaking off. Business has been successful, if not somewhat one-sided.

"I like to chomp chomp chomp the Barrin cookies. Sweet, sweet revenge." A negator rattled.

"These Xantcha cookies are so tasty. No crumb can go to waste!" A sleeper agent savored, scooping up all the grains off of her cloak. 

It has been confirmed that a few human patrons have stopped in at the shop, but none could vouch for the quality of the cookies as black oil bled out of their eyes and mouth until they died.

Mark Rosewater: Master Decoy is "Totally Gay"

WIZARDS- Next week is Gay Pride week on www.magicthegathering.com, and the web is abuzz with rumors of what the week's site content will yield. Some say to expect an announcement of two 5-color "rainbow" duel decks "Gays  vs. Lesbians" featuring cards like Phelddagrif, Chandler, Clergy en-Vec, Rod of Spanking, and Coumbajj Witches to help support the theme of totally gay imagery. Players then speculated which mechanics would make it in, and began deliberating over which were gay enough to merit inclusion. Contributors decided Banding, Poison, and Phasing were "so gay" and that Horsemanship should be included to balance it out, and give the decks more of a Daniel Radcliffe feel. Ever teasing, Mark Rosewater enticed followers with a simple clue, by exclaiming, "Hey guys, playtesting these new decks I can't talk about. Master Decoy is Totally Gay." The statement piqued the rumor mill's curiosity, with players firmly deciding he must have been referring to the original Tempest artwork, which is a Foglion and depicts a man riding a zebra through a purple field. Nothing similar would appear on more recent Magic cards, after the sweeping "Less Silly Art" policy was put into place during 7th edition.

An insider says we are likely to get a peek at the first gay planeswalker in the near future.