Serra Insists Homelands Is Not Crappy Expansion

ULGROTHA- Serra, the angelic planeswalker herself, made a rare public appearance to make a case for the long-maligned Magic expansion, Homelands, Friday morning. With advocates, avatars, angels, heralds, avengers, inquisitors, liturgies, sphinxes, paladins, and zealots at her disposal, she rarely has need to make an in-person statement, especially one not in an Urza-related flashback. Still, she felt she had an important message to convey.

"Homelands is deceptively simple. It's about the homelands." She started, inspiring a small cheer from the Anaba and Sengir regions of the court, but prompting mutterings elsewhere. "It might not be Ravnica, but we must be thankful we didn't get the all-time low cards of Magic, such as "Sorrow's Path," "North Star," and "Wood Elemental." We are grateful. Feroz and I have fought valiantly for this land that is not obscure, but rather unknown to the busy dominarian people. I strive day in and day out for its perfection, and feel it will soon be cleansed of all black mana." she continued, losing support from the vampires. "Red and blue mana too. And green. White mana is all we need, as it is the vessel that breathes perfection. So I urge you, please take a look at your white homelands cards and start putting them back in your modern libraries." 

Ihsan's Shade took a moment to share some words of reflection with us. "Serra is not capable of promoting a wholesome message without her inner zeal bursting out into mono-white preaching. Does she know there are only twelve white cards in Homelands? The only reason she's trying to gain interest in the homelands is because she's unhappy that she died in such a terrible, all but forgotten set." Serra failed to refute long-standing comparisons to the evil Lord Yawgmoth, who has also owned an artificial plane that was intentionally wiped of all but one color of mana.

The town meeting ended with an An-Havva folk dance.

Thistledown Duo Announces New Tour Dates

LORWYN - New chances have sprung up to catch the zany rockabilly act "Thistledown Duo" in concert, as they announced new show dates following sold out performances at the Ancient Amphitheater and Howltooth Hollow. "We're eager to play at Mosswort Bridge, we've never had the chance. Just as long as the boggarts stay off. Of course, we'll return to Spinerock Knoll for a third time, that always gets a nice draw and it's far away from Nath's  Gilt-Leaf grounds, so there's less of a chance of an unprovoked razing of the area. "

Attendees have cited awesome stage enthusiasm and impressive pyrotechnic effects  as part of the band's draw, ramped up by the anticipated release of their third studio album, entitled "Madblind Mountain Musings," out sometime before the Aurora.

Tragic Poet Doesn't Understand Why She's In This Game

DOMINARIA- Despite prolonged laryngitis and an eye infection, the Tragic Poet came to speak with us today, communicating in written rhyme.

"A mere townsfolk I am, biding my musing

What this game wants with me, I don't understand

Mana and wizards, it's all so confusing

There's not much more of this I can stand."

After receiving criticism for rhyming "understand" with "stand," the poet went on to explain that as she is simply unmagical, there is no reason she should appear in a card game based around spellcasting. She appreciates her low mana cost and has been assured her ability is worthy of competitive play, but she didn't seem to understand, making a derived moaning noise before falling asleep.

Abbey Matron has expressed similar concern.

Hakim Loreweaver Exclusive Interview: Jaya Ballard

Hakim: Pyromancer Jaya Ballard is with us, and she says business is booming! Hello, Jaya, how are you?

Jaya: Kaysa knitted me these tea cozies! Aren't they just precocious?

Hakim: Yes that's wonderful, tell me about the success of your work.

Jaya: I just don't have enough time for all the commissions I've been having lately. I'm exhausted!

Hakim: How do you feel, to have your handiwork appear on over 30 magic: the gathering cards, most of them mono-red?

Jaya: Oh it's great. It's a great way to promote my work. You can see little quotes at the bottom of my cards, to get you interested in my new documentary coming out soon: "Jaya Ballard Comedian: Burning up the Crowd." You can buy it in a package set with Freyalise's recent dating video, "Break the Ice: A Supplicant's Companion."

Hakim: Forest fire prevention activists have taken issue with your technique recently, citing haphazard magework, noted by your famous quotes such as "Who says you shouldn't fight fire with fire? You should fight everything with fire!" and "Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." How do you respond to these concerns?

Jaya: I'm just a nice girl who appreciates a home cooked meal. There's no catastrophic intention in my work, just to eliminate evildoers. 

Hakim: But Jaya, you have in fact caused several forest fires. Can you address that?

Jaya: There was a deer! Did you see it? It was big and had terrifying eyes and the antlers were all... they were horrible.

Hakim: That doesn't sound very environmentally responsible.

Jaya: You could say the same thing about anything.

Hakim: I'm not sure I understand.

Jaya: Wasn't this whole Ice Age caused by a world-dooming event brought about by preventing evil from taking Dominaria in the first place?

Hakim: Yes, but those actions were condemned by the people of the time.

Jaya: That doesn't change the fact that it prevented a Phyrexian Invasion.

Hakim: But you voted in support of Freyalise's "End the Ice Age" campaign, a pivotal point being the destruction of the Shard, which effectively protects us from other planes, Phyrexia included.

Jaya: Actually I wasn't in support of her actions at all. Who needs a fire mage in the summer? Do you have many fire mages in Jamuraa?

Hakim: Well, yes, but they're usually hanged for treason.

Jaya: 

Hakim: Coming up! A game of kick the ouphe!

Hurkyl Announces Recall on All -50 AR Model Dragon Engines

TERISIA- In a decision that will likely affect the already stripped out economy of Dominaria, sorceress Hurkyl has demanded a recall on all Dragon Engines made before -50 AR, citing an 'inherent ethical conflict' resulting in the genocide of thousands who oppose Fallaji leader Mishra. There have already been several reports confirming this defect. Urza of Kroog has announced that his dragon engine will be sent to distant Mercadia, where it will be dismantled and spawn a religion centered around its valuable pieces until they will be retrieved at a later time.

"Those Terisians have been playing the part of bureaucrat from up in their Ivory Towers for far too long. Fortunately we will deal with them soon." Praetor Gix commented. Hurkyl was promptly killed by arrow fire.

Mirari Grants Latest Request, All Humans Turned into Argothian Swine

OTARIA- Citizens of the island continent are still reeling after being transformed into 3/3 Argothian Swine due to an errant wish of Mirari "The Party Starter" 's last owner, a bleach blonde Halberdier. 

"I was just drafting Saga, hoping for a fat green creature to give my card pool that little extra boost, and then before I knew it everyone was on all fours. That sly Mirari is always working up zany outcomes to the most mundane of whimsies. Now everyone is after my blood like it's some big inconvenience. What can I say? My reputation precedes me. So do my tusks." The instigator said. Thousands of dismayed druid lyricists reportedly won't be destroying enchantments anytime soon, whilst dirty wererats everywhere maintained hilarious confusion of identity. 

Krosan hero Kamahl was pleased with his post-post-transformation persona, having found a happy medium of high attack power and trample whilst maintaining his green alignment. "The snout hasn't really hindered me. I still get plenty of ladies." Kamahl said before charging a shrub. 

After centuries of height-related ridicule and exclusion from expanions, the dwarven race was in a decidedly vindicated mood monday morning. "Piggy humans." Balthor the Defiled commiserated, cracking open a bottle of champagne with a loose tooth. The event is being hailed as the most drastic change to Magic's creature base since all elves were replaced with Tribal Rootwalla in a scrapped Time Spiral expansion.

Uncle Istvan Proceeds to Final Week of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'

TERISAIRE- Uncle Istvan is one of only three competitors left in 'I'm A Celebrity...: Bleak, Dark Forest Edition" after taking matters into his own hands last week when he buried a hatchet in Lady Orca's skull and cut off Svitri Scarzam's left foot. 

"I'm a survivor!" He heckled, skeletal adornments jangling. Fans say his wide-eyed fervor is what has allowed him to make it this far in the competition, but others are protesting that he has the unfair advantage of being an actual resident of the forest. Vying for victory against him are other family figures Mother of Runes and Daughter of Autumn from Ulgrotha. Seen sipping coffee and relaxedly nibbling an apple, respectively, they seem to have a coalition that has protected them from Uncle's wild antics. With Uncle Istvan unable to take damage from creatures and weak to Mother due to being very mono-color, nobody seems to be able to harm the other.  Speaking alone with Mother, a different story was revealed. 

"I'm going to win." Mother said, a sense of giddiness apparent in her voice. "Daughter's good nature will do her in, it's simple. All I have to do is pay one white mana four times and she'll belly up. I have a swords to plowshares waiting for Istvan, too."

When asked about the irony of her motto stating "My family protects all families" whilst plotting against two of the most family-oriented characters in Magic, she was quick with a response.

 "Yes, but Autumn and those daughters of hers have been upstaging me with their 'jump on the sword' mentality since Homelands. And nobody even cares about Homelands! And I don't think Uncle Istvan has ever been an uncle to anybody. He probably just made the name up himself."

For the final game challenge, participants will be asked to don Living Armor, and then take it off.

RU Hammer Time

x4 Volcanic Hammer

x4 Loxodon Warhammer

x4 Iron Sledge

x4 Hammerheim Deadeye

x4 Hammerfist Giant

x4 Hammer of Bogardan

x4 Hammer mage

x4 Hammerhead Shark

x4 Kamahl's Sledge

x6 Island

x14 Mountain

x4 Hammerheim

Jolrael Pleads Temporary Insanity in War Crimes Trial

JAMURAA- The extended post-war trial took another migraine-inducing turn Wednesday afternoon when the Empress of Beasts revealed her defense case to be a proclaimed period of temporary insanity spanning 'nearly 200 years.' Supporting the claim was proven records that she has lived in isolation in the Mwonvuli Jungle since being sentenced to life in house arrest nearly 600 years ago for conspiracy to free ancient vampires.

"The woman is just an idiot. That's the bottom line." General Marhsall Jabari summarized. "How can you trust a man whose head is comprised partially of lava and wears dead vultures on his back? She is a conspirator and warlord against her own nation." 

Arbitration is expected to continue Friday morning after a brief recess to evaluate whether Purraj of Urborg, dismissed recently for initiating a rite of song and blood on the court stand, is fit to stand witness.

Lotus Vale hit hard by Global Warming

TOLARIA- Environmental experts say that global warming is the cause of a recent biblical plague of locusts that has devastated known patches of the rare black lotus. Analysts say the locusts have effectively added 174,360 mana to their mana pool, but no insights have yet surfaced on what they plan to do with it. Officials at the nearby Academy could not be reached for comment, but we were able to speak to a local farmer, who was only able to criticize the vale's reputed dragon guardians. 

"The dragons are always adding one mana to their mana pool. How do you think they can do that? They used to snap up those birds of paradise like popcorn before they all migrated to Ravnica, but now they have to be sneaking in bites of the beautiful lotus. How else do you explain it? It's an addiction problem and it must be mitigated." farmer Barrin said. "I'm watching them!" he added, shaking a rake at the idyllic blue sky.