Vicious Kavu Enthusiastic About Shadowmoor Expansion

DOMINARIA- A vicious Kavu was seen getting into the swing of the Shadowmoor world Thursday morning by ceremoniously chomping down on a scarecrow, to show his support of our meager kithkin heroes who must face off against the shambling horrors along their journey. The Kavu expressed interest in one day visiting the spooky plane, and in accordance will be part of a march this weekend to raise awareness of interest in a Kavu planeswalker, which might have "cool stompy abilities."

The scarecrow gave him haste since he is a red creature, but not flying since he is not a blue creature. 

Ingenious Thief Not So Ingenious

THREE KINGDOMS LAND- Authorities are questioning a man who tried to escape the royal palace through a tower window Tuesday morning; onlookers described the stunt as "ingenious." Unfortunately for the man, he lost control of his magic carpet escape vehicle several seconds after, hitting a dumpster. A noblewoman recounted her harrowing experience with the man.

"He looked at my hand! I thought he was after my jewelry," She said, flashing a mox emerald, "but he didn't take anything! Oh it was horrible!" 

Attorneys say they will look into changing the man's card name to "imprisoned thief," perhaps with another ability.

Wizards to Revise Maligned Prophecy Novel, Will be "Less Shitty"

WIZARDS- After the reprinting of the Artifacts Cycle novels, the expert overseers of Magic came to the grim realization that many of the other novels covering the rest of the lore are, well, complete garbage. In response, MaRo has proposed a revision project to bring the lore up to date in preparation for the next collection release, starting with the book most chock-full of wasted ink in order to bring up the overall average quality of the novels. Here are some of the changes that will be taking place:

• Characters not appearing in the novel will not be featured on the back cover
• Latulla will use the words "exile" and "enters the battlefield" more frequently
• The thresher beast encounter will be replaced with a mud-wrestling competition between Jolrael and Rayne
  
• Jolrael will be spelled correctly 
  
• The Barrin/Rayne sex scene will not be "  ***  " 'd out, and several pages of the Keldon leaders' describing wagon wheels not operating properly in muddy conditions will be removed to make room.
• Rhystic magic will be replaced by cool landfall technology
• The Keldon main camp will be protected by a plausibility force field, in order to make the last 260 pages make more sense
• Teferi will spend 60% less time on zeppelins
• Greel will be scrapped, his scenes to be replaced by another inexplicable reemergence of Gix, because the novels in which that happens (The Thran, The Brothers' War, Planeswalker) are all highly acclaimed
• Jace Beleren, somehow
• Garruk, somehow
• The main characters will appear (lauded as the most brilliant idea of the session)
• Haddad will get his own 8-hour Roots-style film saga telling of his capture, enslavement, and repeated escape attempts

In addition, it has been suggested that the Mirrodin novels should now have a plot, but no ideas on how to achieve this end have surfaced.

Study Reveals Memory Generally Bad Among Magic Folk

THE MULTIVERSE- An arsenal of memory-related spells is not helping fight the battle against degenerative mental illnesses, doctors say. "It's bad enough when you have people like the Cabal surgeons chopping people up into bits and putting some of them back together, but then you have a whole slew of spells designed specifically for screwing with people's memory, including sluices, fadings, shreddings, vanishings, erosions, lapses, and plunders, to name a few." the doctor elaborated. He added that they are causing all sorts of other problems such as ungiven gifts, mana leaks, mind rots, and extreme difficulty in attaining ancestral recall. He noted that for some reason money helped in most cases of the latter, and implores the generally community to stay away from anything even vaguely wheel-like.