Public: Is Jace Beleren Too Much of a Celebrity?

 

 

RAVNICA - Whilst bumming around the city of guilds, Jace Beleren took the opportunity for yet another photo-op, posing for what will likely be a fifth alternate artwork for his card in two years. "He's dropping out of books, all over magazines, everywhere in card games, and even on the internet. He has a duty as a planeswalker, but he seems too caught up in the fame, which is distracting and unfair to those who support him, and especially to those who have to put up with him." Griped a dauntless dourbark. 

"The bradywalkers all just think it's a big game. Gone are the days where you had to work hard to get recognized at all, toiling away at clever phrases that might make flavor text. Now you can just take up some poncey pose and BAM, you have your own card. Eight or ten copies, too, for whenever a new promotional strikes Wizards' fancy." Comedienne Jaya Ballard raved, who has not been seen since the mending of the rifts. Despite this outcry, Jace says he is unfazed and continues to use his signature pout when appearing at important events or performing spellcasting.

Jace is rumored to be posing nude in an upcoming Playgirl spread, dubbed "Fact or Fiction." 

Chainer Named Winner of Otaria's Got Talent 4305 A.R.

CABAL CITY- After a stunning display last weekend, voters have named Chainer the latest winner of Otaria's Got Talent, earning him a performance before the goddess Karona in the coming weeks. Chainer's unique and terrifying dementia summoning bedazzled and terrified human and dwarven spectators alike, leading to rave responses. He successfully won over a tough jugding panel week after week, consisting of Krosan protector Seton, Empress Llawan, and the Cabal Patriarch. "I was disinclined to vote for him because of Cabal's barbaric ways, but the nightmares he summoned just outclass my horse's ass archery any day. As a centaur, my species' stereotypical archetype defines that I am stern but noble and respecting of others after displays of eptitude, so I could not vote against him. I could not vote against anyone." Seton conceded. "Glub glub glib glub blorp." Llawan added. 

The Patriarch sent the remaining runners up to the death pits in order to procure more black mana.

Hakim Loreweaver Exclusive Interview: Multani, Maro-Sorcerer

Hakim: Hello everyone. We have a very special guest for you today. Please welcome the one, the only, Multani, Maro-Sorcerer!

[applause]

Hakim: Good to see you, Multani. How was the trip? How did you even get here, I can't imagine your big barkey legs fit too well on an air liner.

Multani: Pollen seeds.

Hakim: Pollen seeds.

Multani: Yes- [pausing] Yes. And then I took form from a tree. 

Hakim: [laughing] You did! Where? 

Multani: There's a quaint old neighborhood a few blocks south, very well wooded. So I picked a yard and uprooted myself from there. 

Hakim: What about the residents? When they come home and their tree is gone! Or were they home?

Multani: There was a woman inside the house screaming her head off.

Hakim: Why not go with a tree from a public area, like a state park? They have nice big oaks, all over.

Multani: Too much dog pee. And oaks feel all nutty.

Hakim: Have you ever found yourself carrying a bird's nest? I mean, would that be embarrassing?

Multani: I am aware of all life within and without, so no, that has never happened.

Hakim: Favorite movie?

Multani: Evil Dead.

Hakim: That was a quick answer. Might I ask why?

Multani: I always support films about empowered forests. I usually only watch the one scene though, I watch that scene a few times and then I put in The Two Towers and giggle at the ent-speak and how nobody else knows what they're really saying.

Hakim: The tree rape scene? 

Multani: I prefer the term "Yavimaya Embrace."

Hakim: Have you ever thought about settling down? Any romance on the front?

Multani: I don't understand.

Hakim: You know, a personal relationship. For the purpose of procreation.

Multani: Tree intercourse is not like mammal intercourse. It's even more boring than fish intercourse. You can't even really call it that. 

Hakim: There's something we've been picking our brains at for a long time, how does a forest gain sentience?

Multani: It takes hundreds of thousands of years, and is very rare. That makes the storyline more interesting. That's why The Lord of the Rings is so interesting, is because all the species are either almost extinct, recently extinct, or on the verge of total annihilation. 

Hakim: Argoth was totally annihilated. Obviously you have had some hard feelings about that, based on those photos of Urza being tortured for years that leaked onto the internet.

Multani: Yes, well, Titania was a brave being. Yavimaya aches for her, but Urza and I have settled our differences and are working together against the Phyrexians.

Hakim: You gave him a gift.

Multani: Yes, well, that boat is a bad motherfucker.

Phyrexian Inner Circle Throws Surprise Birthday Party

RATH-The first evincar of the gateway plane received a shocking surprise Thursday morning when the secretive inner circle under Yawgmoth's council threw him a birthday party. Festivities included a feast of flesh and a carnival of souls, followed by drunken ravings about their named foe Urza Planeswalker. "Nobody ever cares when it's my birthday. Usually I dine alone!" The evincar rejoiced, despite reportedly being entirely unconvinced that the event wasn't somehow a trap. 

"Not every day can be about forced subordination and cutthroat politics." Circle member Craog pointed out with a tongue in cheek. Among the gifts Davvol received were ill gotten gains, a mana leech, several Phyrexian broodlings, bottled scent of nightshade, a coupon for a minor compleation procedure, and some caltrops.

Davvol was led to his death upon the end of the night.

Wisconsin Responds to Outcry, Bans Clone

EARTH- A mayor of a Wisconsin town has opted to ban the card "Clone" from Magic: The Gathering play in city limits after a teacher submitted the recommendation, proposing it promotes stem cell research and human cloning, an issue Wisconsin state voted down in recent years. "I feel like we're making progress." The teacher said. "I don't usually mind if the kids play Magic during lunch, but when I saw them broaching the topic of cloning, I decided to inquire. The source of the discussion was a card that depicts two identical men looking surprised and despaired in the artwork. I couldn't believe it. What's next, a "Gay Marriage" card? I had to explain to them why cloning was wrong, and that they shouldn't earn the upper hand in a game, or in life, by unethical means." All copies of the card must remain in closed containers or risk confiscation, the mayor decreed, and locals say the measure is gaining ground. "It has already spread to two other townships, who are considering outlawing the game altogether for it's promotion of demonic values." said Kathy, a baby-toting mother of three. "It just makes sense."

A similar ban of "Balance" passed in Florida last year after it was argued the card is a misrepresentation of the judicial system.

Desolation Angel Files Grievence, Cites Sexual Harassment

URBORG- Gamestaller Desolation Angel filed a harassment report Friday morning after experiencing more inappropriate touching from a spectral evincar, a habit that she says is creating a hostile work environment. She demonstrated how he would tenderly run the back of his forefinger along her jawline. "Each time he promises it's the last time. I don't know what he sees. My bosom is a barren, desolate place, there is nothing to be desired, not even if you pay the kicker cost." She said, dismayed, proceeding to blow up an island. 

Lord Yawgmoth dismissed the claim, sternly telling her she should not dress in such an immodest and unbecoming manner. "The low-cut armor dressing and vulture headpiece are clearly articles of clothing that suggest invitation." The Lord stated. "Crovax still has the needs of men. She's the only one currently around who can fulfill his fetish for white/black-aligned angels." The Divine One elaborated. "There are only a handful in all of magic."

The dismissal could not be contested as Lord Yawgmoth had then become a giant purple cloud of death.

Jhoira Unhappy About Court Date, Puts 4 Time Counters On It

TOLARIA- Time tinkerer Jhoira has expressed disinterest in a recent jury summons by giving the case suspend, effectively putting off the date until a future time. "It's not that I don't want to go, it's just that I don't have time!" The Ghitu native said with a sly grin. When asked why she could not have simply appealed the jury duty summons, her response was flippant. "Here on Tolaria, we believe in solving problems by taking the most disastrous route possible. If we can jostle the fabric of time, why shouldn't we?" Jhoira remarked that isolation on the island for ten years after a deadly temporal disaster ravaged the mysterious academy gave her a sense of expertise about the dangers of manipulating time. Even still, she continued to addle with a gaping rift. "I'm very excited next week to see how Teferi's phasing experiments have come along!" She added. The remainder of the interview was cut short when a reporter was intercepted by a super fast time bubble, allowing him to spawn ten generations of descendants before they were killed by a Phyrexian Negator.

Shahrazad

Wrath of God Absent; Atheism on the Rise

THE MULTIVERSE- M10 marks the first core set of Magic: The Gathering in which the creature hoser "Wrath of God" does not appear, as part of a stratagem to remove fictional beings from appearing in the game. The lack of awesome presence has caused many to begin to doubt the existence of a supreme being. "Nothing like hundreds of screaming bodies flying up into a whirling, parted sky vortex to reinforce your faith in God. Without that, the people are directionless." A Veteran Swordsmith lamented.

Religious leaders have not appeared prominently in the game since The Dark and Homelands, which might help explain God's long waning interest in the game, leading to His ultimate exclusion.

"How are we supposed to read into a planar cleansing?" One historian writes. "There's nothing remarkable about it other than the complete removal of nonland life, an act likely perpetrated by the dragon planeswalker. We need the Wrath of God to keep white strong, it's already the most unimaginative color on the pie." He added, standing before a wavering Wall of Faith.

God could not be reached for comment.

Floral Spuzzem Has Yet to Choose Target

EARTH- It has now been 15 years since a beginning Magic: The Gathering player's Floral Spuzzem attacked and went unblocked, and it has been learned that the creature has still not chosen an artifact to destroy. 

"I think it should get rid of the Bronze Horse. That seems to me to be the biggest threat." The presiding judge collected, patiently monitoring the match. "But it could surprise us with a decision to get rid of a black mana battery. This guy has two out after all." When asked if the players miss the outside world, they simply shrugged and divulged that they have been able to complete schooling as normal and even go on occasional dates, but have never left the game for more than three hours, lest they miss the Spuzzem's ultimately not so crucial decision. Visitors frequently ask what the hold up is, until they discover the Spuzzem has a lot of factors to consider. 

Meanwhile, Stangg is still looking for his twin.